Got Stuff Done

Today was a productive day. I got some important things done, and most of it was done in the later part of the day.

First I finally went to Deans Natural Food Market and applied for a job there. I pretty much have it. Looks like a nice place to work in, where I will be nice and busy. Just how I want to be. And I think I will learn a lot there.

Then I went home. Before that I had tried to find Kristen, since I feel that she has been avoiding me. Not just me but a lot of her friends. Didn't get a hold of her so I just headed home. I decided I would finish my tax return. And I did it pretty much all by myself. Just had to ask my dad for a few questions. After I got that done I went to work on my FAFSA Financial Aid. Now that is all completed. I just need to find out how to file for a Pell Grant.

Crazy

Okay so I am getting crazy jealous! And I am trying to tell myself that it is just in my head, and likely it is. Also I shouldn't feel this way, but I do because I still love him! I hate seeing all this stuff that he is doing now that he didn't really do when we were together. Like talk to old friends and comment on girls fb sites that he knows from back in college. It is soo silly. He is going to raves and clubs and having fun. And I want to rip my heart out!

I have gained 15lbs in the past 2 months! Fifteen Fucking Pounds! Even though I am working out, I am consuming way to many calories. And most of it happens at night, late at night. I have drank about 2 gallons of chocolate milk in the past week. And ice cream, and Oreo cookies at Mary's when I am working out! Put the shit down! I don't know why I get so stressed out at night that I have this unstoppable need to snack on sweets. I really should just go to bed earlier then I won't feel the need. But it is more often then not the only time that it is quite and no one is around. No cars making noise outside. Bleehh!

Only good news now is that I was accepted to SUNY Purchase. And that makes me excited. Just wish I had found that school a year ago. Things might have been a lot different. But I guess I will just have to make up for that. Make that up to myself, I don't think I can make that up to him.

Next is getting a job. It was really stupid of me not to get back to Columbia Sportswear with that other number. But I didn't really want to work again in retail. I think Deans is going to work out, and more then likely I will get more hours. I should go in there tomorrow. We shall see.

panic

I feel like I am on the verge of a panic attack! And there is nothing that I can do to stop it. I often have this feeling when I am on the verge of making some big decisions about my life. I just know this is going to get in the way for me. My brain is not right. Where is my voice? I can't hear me. Please go away! I don't like feeling this way. I am all tense and my legs feel like I have been doing squats all day.

My Grandpa's health is failing and we have just had a talk, where he tells me that I have basically been a failure in life and that he doesn't really see me doing anything to change that. I try and say that I can see myself changing for the better, but I am afraid that I am wrong. That I will continue along this severely mediocre life.

I am going to try and think positive and just get the things done that I need to in this near future to keep things going. Sometimes though I just need to turn my thoughts off so I don't get myself to the point that I am now. The point where I just want to end it all.

Rambling Tales

So here I am. At home by myself. Just had a good cry on the phone with Mary. I had been fighting those tears for a few days now, so it feels good to have gotten them out of my system.

I am always talking about bettering myself, but so far have done little to make much difference. I am a scared girl. Terrified of just stupid things that in life you have to deal with. When will I get around to LIVING life? Because right now I am doing a pretty poor job of living it. I wish I could find the switch in my brain that will turn off my fear.

I have lived this past year with nothing to show for it. I have been unable to find a full time job and I have yet to register at a college. I did apply, however failed to get the necessary papers together in time to register. I did not really want to go to that school anyways, but it would have been something. If I had, I would not likely be in the situation I am in. I am so close to loosing the love of life. I have to show him that I can do something that I say I will. That I can follow through on things I promise. I can't be so scared of going out there and doing something. I just need to start on a path. Even if I don't know where I will end up on it, I need to at least get myself moving. Because if I do nothing I will always be exactly where I am right now. If I start down a way and I realize it is not for me I can just follow a different path. But at least I will be moving forward. Because in life it seems that if you are not moving forward, you might as well be moving backwards.

I have a college in mind. I must move quickly. And things really have to go my way! It would really suck not to be accepted. I can only hope that they will see that I am ready for a new change in my life and that I need their help in making that happen.