panic

I feel like I am on the verge of a panic attack! And there is nothing that I can do to stop it. I often have this feeling when I am on the verge of making some big decisions about my life. I just know this is going to get in the way for me. My brain is not right. Where is my voice? I can't hear me. Please go away! I don't like feeling this way. I am all tense and my legs feel like I have been doing squats all day.

My Grandpa's health is failing and we have just had a talk, where he tells me that I have basically been a failure in life and that he doesn't really see me doing anything to change that. I try and say that I can see myself changing for the better, but I am afraid that I am wrong. That I will continue along this severely mediocre life.

I am going to try and think positive and just get the things done that I need to in this near future to keep things going. Sometimes though I just need to turn my thoughts off so I don't get myself to the point that I am now. The point where I just want to end it all.

Rambling Tales

So here I am. At home by myself. Just had a good cry on the phone with Mary. I had been fighting those tears for a few days now, so it feels good to have gotten them out of my system.

I am always talking about bettering myself, but so far have done little to make much difference. I am a scared girl. Terrified of just stupid things that in life you have to deal with. When will I get around to LIVING life? Because right now I am doing a pretty poor job of living it. I wish I could find the switch in my brain that will turn off my fear.

I have lived this past year with nothing to show for it. I have been unable to find a full time job and I have yet to register at a college. I did apply, however failed to get the necessary papers together in time to register. I did not really want to go to that school anyways, but it would have been something. If I had, I would not likely be in the situation I am in. I am so close to loosing the love of life. I have to show him that I can do something that I say I will. That I can follow through on things I promise. I can't be so scared of going out there and doing something. I just need to start on a path. Even if I don't know where I will end up on it, I need to at least get myself moving. Because if I do nothing I will always be exactly where I am right now. If I start down a way and I realize it is not for me I can just follow a different path. But at least I will be moving forward. Because in life it seems that if you are not moving forward, you might as well be moving backwards.

I have a college in mind. I must move quickly. And things really have to go my way! It would really suck not to be accepted. I can only hope that they will see that I am ready for a new change in my life and that I need their help in making that happen.